May
3
Acknowledging Pain Speeds Healing
Simply acknowledging another’s pain or frustration seems to reduce anxiety and promote healing
I was at a friend’s house yesterday helping barbecue some chicken. We were on the porch with a grill, just a step from the house, and there was a sliding glass door to the house, that was closed. His 1 1/2 yr old son Levi and 3yr old son Pinhas were watching us curiously, and the 3yr old son opened the sliding door. His father told him to close it, to keep smoke from getting inside, and as the Pinhas slowly slid the door shut, at the last moment Levi stuck his hand in to try to push it open, with the result that his fingers got jammed. Levi started crying, and Pinhas threw up his hands in surprise, and tried touching his brother to comfort him. I said “it’s alright. kiss it.” and Pinhas did. A few seconds later, Levi stopped crying.
It worked. 
Magically, the material fact that Levi’s fingers had been jammed in the door hadn’t changed, but Pinhas’s kissing his fingers somehow made it better. I believe it was because it dramatically showed empathy: Pinhas was sorry, recognized Levi’s pain and wanted to make it better.
Actually, this is an adaptation of a principle that I’d read from the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. In it, the authors speak of handling kid’s desires by acknowledging them. We are often afraid of doing so for fear of aggravating the child’s emotions, but interestingly, the mere fact that the child is acknowledged is often enough to improve the child’s perception of the situation.
The book cites five possible responses:
- Denial of feelings
- A philosophical reponse
- Giving advice
- Questions
- Defense of yourself or another person
- Amateur psychoanalysis
- Empathy
Of these, only the last has any affect on healing pain.
