May
20
In Komazawa Park, there’s a dog
run – a fenced area where you can unleash your dog loose and let it play with other dogs. Two weeks ago, I went to the dog run with a friend, and we brought her dog, Skye, unleashed it into the dog run, and watched it play. There were old dogs, young dogs, beagles, labradors, schnauzers, strutting dogs, panting dogs, dogs playing fetch with a ball, dogs minding their own business, dogs chasing each other, dogs sniffing each other out, and dogs play-fighting with each other. It was a veritable society of dogs.
Japanese people like to humanize dogs. Within a half-hour’s walking distance of Ebisu, there are dog hotels, dog beauty salons, dog clothing stores. Dogs interactions are so similar to humans that we use human metaphors to understand how they socialize with each other. Can you see the curiosity in the body language of the dog in the picture to the right? It’s from the perked up ears, and the head cocked slightly to the side – exactly the same body language that people show when they’re interested in something.
And that’s why dogs and humans live together so well, because we can treat dogs as humans, and they fit into our social hierarchy, into a human analog. Except for dogs, it’s the other way around… humans that are so similar to them that they can use their existing canine instincts to understand us. People think dogs are people, but dogs think people are dogs.
Ever seen dogs play-fight? They are testing each other out in terms of strength, agility, and intelligence. The play-fighting serves the purpose of defining the hierarchy. Dogs sort each other out. There was a dog run for medium-to-big dogs, and a place for small-to-medium dogs. My friend’s dog Skye, being a medium-sized dog, it could go in both, but psychologically, it was a big dog. Skye would scamper around the dog run, and bigger dogs would follow behind, sometimes poking noses at him, pawing, or other physical play. And if they got too insistent, he would turn around and bark, the bigger dog would back off, and the game would begin again. It was a constant play of push and pull. Banter, short of aggression.
Human kids will play the same way, piling on top of each other, chasing each other around… you get the idea. But here’s something I noticed today – adult humans play the same way, but with with words.
I was walking home, and by Ebisu station, I saw a tall girl on crutches who I thought looked familiar, but then I saw someone else from the same group of friends who I knew better. I paced myself to walk alongside her, and said hello. She looked at me, and I could see the recognition flash into her face. There were murmurings of recognition from more people, I saw a guy I’d discussed philosophy with once, who I’d recently invited to dinner, but he’d been busy. I gave him a pat on the shoulder, and before I knew it I was surrounded by the whole group of 7 friends I’d played tennis with a few times last fall, one of whom was an importer (my original friend) + 2 ppl I didn’t know, and I was the center of attention 
“Hey!” I said. “What a surprise!” (pull) “Don’t tell me you guys are all going home now!” (push)
“Yeah, but you’re going, home, too aren’t you?” asked Importer. (push)
“Yeah, but goodness, what happened to your leg?” I asked Tall Girl (showing concern, a pull)
“I sprained it.”
“Were you playing sports, or were you just walking?” I asked further. (a pull)
“I was just walking.”
“Oh, well you know you didn’t admit to something embarrassing like that.” (push)
“You asked!” said a girl in a bright dress. (push) “You know, I know I tell you this every time we meet, but your glasses look funny.” (push)
“And you keep forgetting every time that you’ve already said it, huh?” (conceptual re-frame and a push – but pushed a little too harshly, so I pull.) “just kidding, just kidding.”
“Hey that’s a nice tie.” says Bright Dress, about my Garfield cartoon necktie. (pull)
“Why thank you.”
“Isn’t it too short?” (push)
“What? Naw, it’s to just above my belt, like it should be.” I said, marking the length with an upward-facing palm. “But I guess Japanese people like it longer.” I lowered my palm to below my belt. “Or maybe here.” I said, lowering my hand to below my inseam. (ambiguous language, building tension)
“No, that’d be too long.”
“Yeah, you know I really like stuff like that way.” I said, straightening the necktie. “Serious and smart-looking, but playful.” (self-promoting remark inviting a push)
“Ain’t nothin’ serious or smart about that tie!” said Tall Girl (push and smackdown)
“Let’s hang out this summer!” says Car Saleswoman. (pull)
And so on. Through it all, each of us were subtly jockeying for position, yielding a little, and then taking it back, or smacking people down. A play of push and pull, just like when dogs wrestle and run with each other.
Of course, I didn’t realize any of this at the time. I was just having fun bantering with friends, and we left each other with smiles on our faces, with promises to hang out more this summer, now that I’ve decided to quit my job.
It’s nice to know that not only do I have a good grasp of theory after years of studying body language, exchanging authority in negotiations, conceptual re-framing (as in hypnosis), improv comedy, and practice being graceful under pressure in both Toastmasters and Aikido, but that I can let all of that theory go, and just enjoy things as they are.
